Memo To: Rupert Murdoch
From: Jude Wanniski
Re: Your Boy Bill
I donít know whether you still watch the Sunday morning talk shows, but the editor of your Weekly Standard, Bill Kristol, announced on Easter Sunday that his goal is to persuade Uncle Sam that we should overthrow the Peopleís Republic of China. There he was on NBCís Meet the Press, practically on Tim Russertís lap, wringing his hands over the humiliation he feels for all of us red-blooded Americans, by jingo. In case you had not heard, Rupert, President Bush wrote a letter to those Red commie leaders in Beijing saying he was sorry one of their Red commie pilots was killed in the collision over air space we say is international and they say is Chinese.
I had thought GW had done a good thing, but because I have such great respect for you and your choice of editors, Rupert, I have decided to take Bill seriously. He has made me realize how humiliated I am. Just the other day I was telling Patricia how nice it is to be King of the World, the Only Superpower. I felt triumphant and it was good. Now that Bill has pointed out how humiliated I should feel, it is not so good. He says we should not rest until the bad guys are gone from Beijing and some good guys have taken their place -- although he does not seem to think there are any good guys in China. Rupert, donít you think of the 1.2 billion Chinese, there might be enough good guys for us to form a government? Your editors at the New York Post, which you also own, might start a lottery to find some good Chinese guys.
Bill thinks we should start by selling Taiwan all the most sophisticated weapons we have in our arsenal, plus all the weapons we have in production. Donít you think, Rupert, that we should sell them some nukes. We have to be careful, though. Remember when Khrushchev tried to swap a bunch of nukes for a bunch of sugar with Fidel, back in 1961? I think we should be really careful if we decide to go that far, donít you? Maybe we should sneak them in by way of Australia.
I havenít talked to Bill for a few years now, since he decided I was a wimpy peacenik, but maybe now that I have decided I donít like being humiliated, maybe we will be back on good terms again. You know I am full of good ideas so I could be a great help to him. It already has occurred to me that we might send Ziang Jemin a box of cigars laced with arsenic, if Christie Whitman would not mind. I know there is a law against assassinating foreign leaders, Rupert, but Bill kind of liked the idea when Rep. Bob Barr of Georgia thought it might come in handy if we wanted to bump off Saddam Hussein. Bill thinks Saddam has been humiliating us as well. There are a number of other no-goodniks around the world who Bill would like to rub out, including a long list of Arabs. I frankly think we should draw the line somewhere, Rupert. Arabs and Chinese are one thing, but I think we should give Russians another chance. They have lots and lots of nukes.
Maybe it will be enough to lean on the International Olympic Committee, to persuade it not to let China host the games in 2008. On Meet the Press, Bill was quite definite when he said we should not support China hosting the Olympics and that we should probably cut off trade with China because they are just plain bad people. On the same show, Sen. Bob Torricelli, a Democrat from my home state of New Jersey who used to be a peace-loving man, also became persuaded by Bill that China had humiliated us. He said he told Secretary of State Colin Powell, who is still a peace-loving man, that under no circumstances would he vote for peaceful trading relations with China. In fact, Torricelli might like the idea of sending Ziang Jemin a box of cigars laced with arsenic. He would not give a hoot what Christie Whitman thought, but he would insist they not be Cuban stogies. Torricelli probably thinks we should get Tony Soprano, who lives in nearby Essex County, to snuff Fidel.
Isnít this a wonderful country, Rupert? Are you glad youíre an American. Itís good to be on top of the world instead of down under, isnít it?